Monday, July 31, 2006

To discipline, or not?

Owen loves school, in fact, today, he ran for the gate where the teachers come to get them. I was a little surprised that he was so ready for school, but grateful. I feel glad that he is embracing it, and not hating it. After school, when we came home, we watched some TV while he had a snack (actually, he ate a whole bowl of pasta, I couldn't believe it!). Then, I told him we had to do his homework. Now, it's only a little bit of coloring, but he didn't want to do anything. He tried to get out of the chair, then he threw the crayons. So I told him that was not acceptable, and made him go over and pick up the crayon. He started dancing around the table, so a little more forcefully, I led him over to the crayon and made him pick it up. Of course, then he started crying like I was killing him, and he picked up the crayon and gave it to me. Then, he wanted me to hold him, so I picked him up. And he hit me. Just smacked me. I think he was testing me, waiting to see how I would react. So, of course, I told him that was not nice, and put him down, and told him you do not hit your mom, etc., etc. But the point is, he has done this hitting thing a couple of times lately, is this a typical 3-year old thing, or is it because he is not able to talk to me and tell me what he wants? I almost think it is normal and he is just testing the waters like any 3-year old, but then I think, how far do I go in punishing him? How much does he get it? I think he gets it a lot, and knows what is going on, but what if he doesn't? What if I am just being cruel because he doesn't understand?

Any thoughts?

I can't believe it's August already. Where has the year gone? More importantly, where has the summer gone? What happend to lazy days at the beach?

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Odd Times

I feel as if I have been walking around in a fog lately; especially since I have now heard of two people I worked with (my age) who recently died. One of them died of a heart attack, and the other had stomach cancer. What is it about death? Why does it seem lately that everyone is getting cancer? More and more people I meet have had one, if not two, types of cancer. My MIL has had both breast cancer and bladder cancer, and is cancer free now, but just today I went for a walk, and one of the neighbors, whose wife has cancer, just told me that's she been in the hospital and it doesn't look good for her. Doesn't anybody die of old age anymore? What are we doing to ourselves? The funny thing is that I feel people are much more conscious about how they treat their bodies (well, some people, anyway), and they are aware of what they are putting into it. Then their are the overweight and unfit who couldn't care less and live to be nearly 100. The girl I know who died of stomach cancer was a health nut: she ran every day, she ate everything organic, she was very thin, she didn't drink or smoke, and the sad part is that she had a young son. I sometimes wonder if it really matters what we do anymore, or how we treat our bodies. Will we just die the way we are supposed to die, regardless of what we do? I like to think that I take pretty good care of myself: I work out at least 3x a week, I eat mostly healthy food, but I do like to drink wine and I used to smoke. I suppose it's all genetic anyway, right? I mean, how can I find any rhyme or reason to my life is everything seems so arbitrary? How come I can't just believe in fate anymore?

Only in LA: I had a bizarre experience last night. My husband and I play softball on Friday nights, and some of our friends were housesitting for their friends, one of whom happens to be an actress who was on a top-rated sit-com that ended recently. Her family will, obviously, never have to worry about money. Our friends invited us up to swim in the pool, as the house was virtually empty of everything, and they just had to make sure everything was out by the weekend so the new owners could take occupancy (the family had moved to Malibu Colony, which is where extremely wealthy people live). When we got to the top of the hill, the house sat on it's own promontory overlooking the entire valley. The pool sat on the edge of the property with the house right behind it. The house was a two-story Craftsman, with expensive wood floors, huge rooms, just amazingly beautiful. The funny part about this was that our friends said, "they've already moved out, so take anything you want that you see. They aren't coming back for any of this stuff." Now, there were bottles of expensive liquor in the foyer, so we thought it ws just alcohol. Then they led us upstairs and said, "there are a bunch of toys, and things, just take what you want." I started looking around, and was amazed. They had left clothes in drawers, toothbrushes in the holder (not that I would want that, although I'm sure there is some sucker on EBAY who would buy it), there was an unopened pack of diapers, there were dishes and toys and vases, and all even unopened gift baskets. Then, as I walked through their master bedroom, I peeked into the closets. There was a fur coat, as well as a leather skirt, rows of expensive shoes, and purses all over the counter. I was in awe, first of all at the expensive stuff, and second of all at the way they had just left it there as if it was junk. Upstairs by myself, I tried the fur coat on. It fit perfectly. I felt like I had snuck into someone's home and was going through their things. But our friends just said, "take it." They are not coming back for it, and it's all going into a dumpster if it's not gone. I put a pile of things together: an unopened frame from Pottery Barn, two matching vases from Barney's New York, a gift basket of lotions and soaps, a pair of Fendi sunglasses, a children's footstool, some kids clothes, and a box of puzzles for Owen to use. I felt weird, but at the same time, I didn't want to see this stuff be thrown out.

More than anything, it made me feel sad that some people have so much money that they just have more stuff than they need and it doesn't even matter anymore. Why buy things if you don't need them? My friend actually told me that when they had their two kids, they got a ton of gifts sent to them from magazines like People Magazine, producers would send stuff, and they just couldn't use it all. I can understand getting things that you can't use, but why not donate it to an organization that can use it? Why do celebrities, who make a gazillion dollars, want to get free stuff? Believe me, I have been to Sundance for six years, they are the first ones in line for the free swag that they give out at Sundance. And those Oscar presenters? You don't think they do it out of the generosity of their hearts? No, this is about getting the $25,000 gift basket. The only person who did anything good with theirs was George Clooney, who auctioned his off on EBAY for a charity.

I guess I've seen both sides, and lately, because we have had to watch our spending because of the new house we are building, I have stopped shopping for useless things that I will just fill up my house with. I always ask myself twice now if I really need it before I buy it.

That's my soapbox for the day....the weather has finally cooled off, and there is a great breeze blowing through.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Attack of the Yeast Infection

So, Tess, still has this thrush, and it hasn't gone away, even though I gave her the medicine for two weeks, boiled all her pacifiers, and tried not to let Owen give her anything that wasn't washed. I don't understand why it is so hard to get rid of! Today I just felt so bad about it, that I am actually considering giving up breastfeeding. I mean, where is it coming from, her or me? I have done as much research as I can, and nothing says for sure whether I am giving it to her, or she's giving it to me. They all say that it is an imbalance within the system, and I can't think of anything I am doing differently. The only thing it could possibly be with her is that I started feeding her a whole grain cereal, rather than continuing with rice cereal, and maybe she's allergic to wheat? Would that make sense?

Then, underneath her chin, she has this awful skin rash that looks so painful. I know that Owen got it as well, but not as badly as her, and it just occurred to me that maybe that rash is also a yeast infection?? Is that possible? I don't know what to do about that, since she gets bathed all the time, and I have been putting zinc on it, and now vaseline, and nothing seems to be helping. And, of course, I haven't heard back from my pediatrician, which seems par for the course.

I felt like crying today over it all, this huge wave of defeat made me want to just sit down on sob. I couldn't seem to make anything work, and on top of that, I still feel sluggish, like I don't really have any motivation. Could it be PMS? Or am I just not happy because this weather is so gross, and I haven't been able to go for walks like I usually do. That is really killing me.

I want it to be winter again, our cool, California winter where the fog drifts in and jackets are necessary. I never thought I would long for the day when I could put on a turtleneck sweater again....

Monday, July 24, 2006

More Pictures...

Thought I would post some more pictures, since I haven't posted any of Tess, yet. Owen just loves Tess. He is the only one who seems to be able to make her laugh.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Not a Hot Weather Fan

This has been a horrible, horrible hot summer, and I'm so done with the heat. But, they say it's not going away anytime soon. Today, there is thunderstorms and rain, but being Los Angeles, and being so hot, the rain is evaporating before it hits lower than the mountains. The worst part is that it is hot everywhere. It's such bizarre weather, and it scares me more and more that it is continuing. I feel as if we are really paying the price for being uber-consumers, wasting so much stuff and using so much energy. I have become very conscious lately of the extra things we have plugged in around the house that we are not using, the lights we leave on, the water running for no reason, and I feel as if my small changes won't matter at all unless everyone else starts making changes. We are so trained to spend time, energy, money on things that don't matter. I can't even remember the last time I went to Target and aimlessly shopped for things I didn't need. I only shop at the grocery store these days, because I would find myself buying things I didn't need. My kids have more than enough clothes, and so do we. The ironic thing is that driving home from work the other day, one of those big signs that hang over the freeway that tell you if there is a traffic jam or if a Megan's Law alert has come up, was on, and it said "do your part, conserve energy." I almost had to laugh at the waste of energy for them to keep that sign lit, during the part of the day when you can barely read it because the sun is shining on it, and realized that our city is spending tons of money and energy on keeping these signs lit up with messages like these. Come on, get real. Anyway, enough of my soap box for the day.

My kids both have runny noses, again. It's like a merry go round. As soon as they get off, they get right back on and away we go whirling into the house of sickness again. I know that Owen is in school, so that's probably part of it, but still, I wish we could be sick free for the summer.

Friday, July 21, 2006

This is What We Look Like

Finally, a picture! I'm starting with this one (even though Owen is only 2 years old in it) because I love this picture of us. So, here we are....more to come.

Sick Again

I thought we were through with colds, then Owen got a doozy...his nose was running so badly yesterday, and last night he had that horrible, congested breathing. I feel so bad for him when he's sick like this, because I know colds just have to be gotten through. There is nothing you can do to shorten them or prevent them. I suppose I got a little too cocky thinking he would be okay this summer, and not be sick, and then wham!, along came a bad one. Of course, he is in school with a whole new group of kids, so I suppose those germs are new ones to his little body.

Then there is my theory that every time I take him to my doctor's office, he picks up another cold. We went the other day for Tess' 6 month checkup and Owen's 3-year checkup. The doctor told me all of Owen's blood tests were fine, and that he seems to be doing well. He was so wriggly when they tried to measure him that they told me he was 36-1/2 inches, but I think they might be shy an inch or two. He only weighed 32 pounds, which is fine by me, I don't need a heavy kid. Then we did Tess. She weighs 14 pounds, 9 ounces (45%) and is 26 inches long (60%). I'm so glad that she is taller than she is heavier. I hope she gets a little bit of Erik's height. She had to get four shots yesterday. I've been putting them off because every time she's come for a checkup she's had a little bit of a cold, and I don't want to take any chances. But yesterday I finally figured that maybe I should start giving them to her, to prevent something. I mean, we do live in Los Angeles, where there are a lot of people who don't have shots, and are probably carrying some of these diseases. So, better to be safe than sorry. If I lived in a small town somewhere in Montana, I might have held off a little longer. But she did fine. She was sleepy, and a little fussy, but otherwise, no fever and now she is doing well. She's still on the medicine for the thrush, and I still see it in her mouth (that stuff is so persistent!), but I'm hoping it will be gone soon.

I'm so tired lately, I don't know if it's because Tess has begun getting up to feed in the night again, but I drag during the day. I also haven't been able to go walking or work out like I used to, which makes me feel so achy, and unhealthy. I wish this heat would go away! I am so done with summer and the heat, but they say it's supposed to continue for another two months at least! Tonight we play softball, at least, so I'll get a little exercise. Have a great weekend, everyone.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Monday Already...

We had such a good family weekend together, that I am always so amazed that Monday comes so fast. I remember when I used to live for my job (obviously, before I had a kids and a husband), and Monday couldn't come fast enough. I was so enamored with my career, and my world that I loved being at work. The weekends just gave me too much time. Now, I cherish every minute I have, and even though there are days during the week when I know I am home with the kids, it's not the same as the weekend. During the week, I'm always rushing to get Erik out the door for work, and then getting the kids breakfast before we rush off to therapy or school. The weekends somehow seem slower, lazier. I know that there isn't a timeline I have to adhere to.

We went to the J. Paul Getty Museum this past weekend, with other families from our support group. One of the moms works at the Getty, so she did a Family and Friends day. What a great day, and what an amazing place to spend a Saturday (especially since it's been so hot everywhere in LA). At the museum, which sits on a bluff overlooking Malibu, and was J. Paul Getty's personal residence, the weather was so pleasant. We all met about 10:30/11 a.m., then toured the museum and had lunch. We were told we could stay all afternoon if we wanted, and considering the weather, we almost did. Owen was having so much fun, walking along the corridors, and looking at the waterfalls and wading pools, saying "water, swimming in the water." For a moment, I thought of how far we had all come: us with Owen and how we dealt with it, Nancy with her amazing little boy Henry, Miriam and her boy, Nicholas, who is so charming and finally walking a little bit!, Jen and Joel with their little girl, Ava, who is the prettiest little girl I've ever seen, and Stacy with her family, including her beautiful little girl Elsie, who has William's Syndrome. I just think how all our lives have collided because of what we probably all thought was originally a bad thing, a horrible diagnosis. And there we were, with our kids who were just being kids, running around and exploring, and we had all survived, we were all okay. I thought of how we were all out there, in the public, showing off our kids because they are just as wonderful as any other kids, just as special, and just as free from the constraints of society's labels. It was truly an amazing moment, when I looked at my son running across marble floors with my husband gleefully chasing him, neither paying attention to what anybody else 'thought' of them.

Nancy and I had a chance to sit and chat (she was the one who invited us). She had missed most of the Mom's Meetings because she had been working on one of the exhibits at the Getty. We talked about how we were advocates for our kids, just by the fact that we were there in their lives, present, and giving them the opportunity to be a part of society. We weren't afraid to bring them anywhere, to have experiences just like everybody else. I'm sure there were people who looked twice at our kids, but so what? I had more people look at Owen and laugh, because his laugh was so infectious. We are giving them a chance to be part of society, to learn at an early age to enjoy what is there, regardless of what people think. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense...

On another note, Owen went back to school today, and he cried for about a minute, and then the minute he turned away from me, he stopped crying. He didn't cry the rest of the class. What a champ he is. I watched him covertly from the car as he walked to his classroom, just following along. What a cute little boy he is. I already miss him being a baby, though. Then when I picked him up (Erik decided to come by too), he was so happy to see us, and clung to Erik. The teacher said he did great, and that he is getting better. I think he's the youngest in his class, so the fact that he's doing this well at all is great. I think their approach is certainly good. He needs a firm approach.

When we got home, his cousins were still at our house, and he just began playing with them, twirling around and showing them a little dance. I couldn't believe how social he was. I think school is really teaching him how to interact. Before, he would have sat down in a corner and watched Nikolas and Emily play. Now, he just joins right in, and wants to play with them.

As for Tess, she is such a sweet little girl. She has thrush in her mouth (it's like a yeast infection in her mouth, gross...) so she has to have this awful medicine four times a day. It's so terrible, and she cries, but when it's done, she's as happy as a lark. I know that she got it from breastfeeding, and a part of me wonders if I should give up breastfeeeding her, since she has begun to favor one side. So the other side is severely neglected and gets really full during the night. I don't' know what to do about it, and I don't want to stop breastfeeding her, because I really like it. I was hoping to go until she gets to be a year old, but she's so easily distracted! Plus, she's hungry, so now she's getting food three times a day. She gets upset if she can't have food at certain times, and tonight, I noticed that she watched me eat every bite. Then she tried to grab my plate. I forget when we are supposed to introduce solid food, but she's not even six months?! It can't happen yet, right?

I love my kids, they are so amazing...will I lose all my readers because I keep talking about how great my kids are?? And one day, I'm going to learn how to post pictures. Here's something to ponder: I'm a pretty smart person, but for some reason, I can't figure out how to post pictures on my blog...

Friday, July 14, 2006

Sigh of Relief

Finally, finally, I got a call from Owen's pediatrician to say that the blood tests all came back fine, there is no issues. I can actually breathe a sigh of relief (until next year...). It's amazing that all those bruises he got on his leg, he must have had ten on his shins and thighs, are all almost gone, and maybe he has one or two. I suppose he is just being a three-year-old. He has gotten a lot more daring in his escapades, so he does fall a lot more now. He still is a very cautious kid, but for him, he's been doing more.

So school started on Wednesday. I stayed for the first half hour, and then I told him I was leaving and he started to cry. The teachers said, "bye, mom, he'll be okay," and I left with Tess. I felt so bad, but then I figured if I didn't leave, he would cry again the next day, which he did, of course. But they said he was a little better the next day. It was worse leaving him the second day because I could only drop him off at the gate with the other kids, and hand him to the teachers. I told him I was leaving and he started wailing. I felt so bad. Again, they said, "bye, mom, we'll take care of him," but I could hear him crying across the playground. I just thought, how awful that we have to leave our kids in the hands of strangers, albeit capable strangers, but nonetheless, strangers. And strange kids, too. I called the classroom later, and the teacher's assistant told me he was playing, and was only crying on and off. Apparently when Erik picked him up he was quite happy, so I suppose he'll get used to it. It makes me sad that he is already three years old, and already off to school. I know that he has to grow up, but I do sometimes wish he could stay just like this: a little tiny man, with soft baby skin and rounded knees, with pudgy hands and a little sweet mouth he puckers up to kiss me with. I just love to watch him as he sleeps at night, arms tucked under his head and his legs thrown across the bed. He already is growing out of his little toddler bed, aas I see how his legs stretch further and further down the bed. Oh, my little boy, soon to be a man...

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

School Starts Tomorrow

We visited Owen's new preschool yesterday, and I'm glad we chose to bring Owen, even though it was a Parent/Teacher information meeting. I felt that he really needed to see the classroom, and meet the teachers, regardless of adults being there. If there is one thing I have learned about kids with Down Syndrome, it's that they really need familiarity. So, I couldn't just drop him off on Wednesday and say goodbye without first introducing him to the situation. It went well. In fact, a few other moms brought their kids and Owen played quite well with one of them. Then, he explored the room, saying hi to the adults and dancing a little bit (he does this little galloping walk, which he learned from, of course, "The Wiggles"). I feel much better about the whole school scenario, and in fact, I think Owen will do really well there. The teachers are great. I can't say enough about them. They really, genuinely seem to have fun with their kids, and as Owen's teacher said, "I haven't lost one of them yet." I am a little bit excited for him to start now, I think it will make all the difference in his learning, by broadening his world. He was so talkative in speech yesterday, too, which seems to me like a big difference from even last week. He actually said a few sentences, and was mimicking words nicely. Then, he chewed gum for about 15 minutes, on his own.

Besides, it will be nice to have some quality time with Tess. I feel like so often I am ignoring her while I pay attention to Owen, and I didn't want to be that parent.

Yesterday, we had a surprise visit from a woman down the street who has two kids (and is married to a famous actor). She stopped in to say hello and ask to see the baby. Now, we haven't seen them for at least six months, and they only moved in a year ago. I think they own a place in New York. But, it was nice that she took the time to stop in and say hello. Of course, our house is on the market, so if we do sell, there goes that friendly relationship. Actually, I've taken a little bit of Erik's attitude: I will only work so hard on a relationship, and then I won't. We had invited them for a playdate months ago, and they cancelled, and we never set up one again. So, I was a little surprised that she stopped. But I was glad, too. It's amazing what happens when you stop trying so hard...

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Better Today

I went to see my doctor yesterday, and lo and behold, he found two cysts on my ovaries. He said it's not a bad thing, it just means my body is trying to return to normal and ovulate. He said that's probably why I'm feeling a dull pain intermittently, and to check back with him in a month. Then they will check to see if they have gone away, which he thinks they will, or if they've gotten bigger and it gets uncomfortable, then he will look at removing them. So, I feel much more relieved about me. Now, on to worrying about Owen's blood tests again...

It's been so hot here in LA and I can't stand it. I love the weather in this city, but not when it's unbearably hot. Then I have to sit inside all day with the kids, because it's too hot to take them outside, and I don't want them getting too much sun.

We played softball last night, since our league has started again. It's nice that Erik and I have this one night a week to go out and do something together. It's a team with 7 guys and 3 girls. I like it. We've been playing this league for about 8 years now. It was so nice to be able to go out after the game (we won) and have a beer...cold beer on a summer night, there is nothing better.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Heavy Thoughts

Oh my God, I don’t know if I’m even good enough to be a parent…I went to check on the kids, and thank God I did. I looked at Tess and she had one of her blankets wrapped up over her mouth and nose, with the binky in her mouth. I was so scared that she was inhaling carbon monoxide, and given more time, she might have suffocated and died. I am so scared right now; I feel as if God was watching over her, because it’s obvious I can’t. I don’t know why I left her with the blanket up against her mouth, except that I didn’t want to disturb her since she had just fallen into sleep. Then I went downstairs to work out. I should have checked on her sooner…what was I thinking??

I am in such bad shape right now. I still have this dull pain just below my abdomen that comes intermittently, sometimes three or four times an hour, sometimes every four hours. I don’t know what it is, but it can’t be good. I keep trying to isolate what it could be, but I can’t.

And then, I called the pediatrician's office to ask about Owen’s blood tests, which they said the results would be there by Monday (today is Thursday) and they said they hadn’t received the results yet. I find that fishy. I think that because my doctor is on vacation, that something must be wrong and the other doesn’t want to be the one to tell me. I am so nervous that he has leukemia in his blood cells. I don’t know what else to think. Why wouldn’t they have gotten the results by now? It’s been three working days. I know there was a holiday, but still, they should be there by now. Or, if they are not there yet, then something is wrong with the blood and they are rechecking it to be sure. I suppose there is nothing I can do at this point except worry about it, which I shouldn’t do, but I will. I just wish I could stop feeling so ill-at-ease about everything. I wish I was more like Erik, his philosophy is “don’t worry about it until there is something concrete to worry about.” I just can’t help myself.

I am going to have some red wine. I can’t take this anymore. After two glasses of red wine, my mind is going are my random thoughts:

So what if I just stopped trying to scientifically think things through? What if, for the next 7 days, I just decide to believe that God is handling my life, and that whatever happens is meant to be. Could I do that? Would I be happier? There was a time when I was younger, having spent years in Catholic school and church on Sundays, that I went about life quite happily because I believed that whatever happened was God’s will, and that everything would be alright. I don’t really know what happened to change that. I don’t know why I became such an unbeliever. It’s as if I started putting more faith in the media and the scientific data and the hearsay of others. I know that some people scoff at religion, but it gave me such a base of faith that I was happy. I knew that things were happening the way they were not because of my fallibility, but because of the way God chose for them to happen. I wonder when I stopped being such a fatalist and started questioning things so much.

One thing I do know is that nobody ever cautioned me that having kids would be such a heartache. That every breath, every cold, every fall, would cause me to rethink what I had gotten myself into. How naïve I was when there was nobody but myself to worry about! I could handle just me. But throw kids into the mix, these tiny, beautiful creatures who depend on you for everything, and as they grow, the worries get bigger and fiercer. I am afraid to drive to work some days, in case I get in a huge accident and don’t survive. Who will make sure that Tess gets breastmilk until she’s one year old? Who will make sure Owen has his blended fruit in the morning? Who will they call Mom? I am afraid every day, now that I have kids. And I wonder sometimes, would it have been better if I was younger when I had my kids? Would I have been less protective, less afraid because I know what the world is all about now? I have friends who had their kids when they were younger, and they see them as partly an annoyance, because they still have things to do, they still have dreams unfulfilled. I feel as if my kids fulfilled my dreams. They are the epitome of what my life is about. They are my essence, my reason for being. They complete me.

Monday, July 03, 2006

The Week of Hell

Thank God last week is over, after I had to take Owen to all the nasty appointments. First, there was the ENT, and I had to hold Owen in a stranglehold so he could pull wax out of his ear, then there was the doctor's office so he could get the Hepatitis A shot (which, of course, gave him a fever for 24 hours and he was miserable), then we had to take him to get his blood drawn for his yearly tests, including the one I am mos tafraid to know about: leukemia. But, thankfully, my doctor found a clinic in Encino which only does babies and kids. They were great. I was so nervous about taking Owen, so I made Erik come with me, and they had the needle in and the blood drawn in less than a minute. I couldn't believe it. Here I was waiting for this awful, painful, long drawn-out procedure (because nobody in the past has been able to get a good blood draw from Owen), and these two guys just tied up his arm, got the needle in and got the blood out. I was so relieved. And the worst of it is over. Owen doesn't really have to go for anymore awful stuff, for now, at least.

I've been having a lot of anxiety again lately, and I can't seem to shake it. I feel as if I am going to die. It's not anybody else I'm worried about (last time when I had anxiety attacks I thought everyone else was going to die). This time, it's me. I had a dream the other night that I had breast cancer, and it was so real, that I woke up sweating. Then I think I started to get the idea that I have cancer (my name is Suzanne and I am a hypochondriac), and now, every little twinge again makes me think something is wrong. I don't know whether it's because I look at my two beautiful kids and I want to be with them all the time, and I want to be able to be there forever for them. I still keep feeling as if every moment I have with them is so bittersweet, as if there is going to be pain because I have such amazing kids. I feel as if I cannot possibly be this lucky without the other shoe dropping.

I know that logically, I can't just develop cancer overnight. But perhaps it is my way of anticipating that something bad is going to happen, so that when it's not as bad as I thought, I can feel relieved. It's really crazy thinking, I know, but I can't help it. I went through this anxiety-ridden time when I was weaning Owen, and now it seems to be happening again, only I am still completely breastfeeding Tess. I don't understand. But, I suppose I must just learn to put these fears away.

Happy 4th of July!