Long Time Since Posting

I really haven't felt like posting lately. I don't know why. It's as if I'm just trying to get my life back in order and I just feel that probably nobody cares where I am at in my life. I haven't even really been writing in my journal lately, which has been worse for me. I miss having the time to write. I feel as if so much of my day is taken up by the kids, and by 10 p.m., I want to go to bed. And, on the days I work, since I am on the computer all day, I really don't feel like coming home and getting on the computer.

There has been so much going on lately, and of course, we are all sick again. I am so tired of being sick. This time, it was a long cold followed by a hacking cough (Owen is now on medication for bronchitis). I probably have it too, but I haven't had time to go to the doctor. Funny how we make time for our kids, but not ourselves. I have been making time a couple times a week to go hiking. I miss running and hiking, and wish I could do it more often. It's like my only time to think, and pray. I miss praying, too. I feel as if, at the end of the day, everything has escaped me and I'm too tired to ask God for anything, especially since I feel selfish for asking for anything anymore. I do wish I could get pregnant again. We haven't exactly been trying, but we haven't been protecting ourselves from getting pregnant, and so far, after five months, nothing. That is so completely opposite of my family, too, where they get pregnant at the drop of a hat. But I guess maybe the two we have is fine. I have to count my blessings and remember that we have two really amazing kids.

I am turning 40 next month, and I think I've been so fixated on that. I don't know why it seems like such a big deal, but it's making me feel old. I never minded getting older in my 30s, but now I will be 40. When I was young, 40 was old! And here I am, 40 years old and still hoping to have another baby. Who am I kidding?

There are three moms in our support group who are pregnant again, and I'm so jealous. I know that they will have to endure the fear, since this is their first after their child with Down syndrome, but I see them as so lucky to be pregnant. There was a new mom who came to our moms group the other night who is 5 months pregnant with a child who has been diagnosed with Down syndrome (she has a 1-year-old at home). She is so courageous, and I say that because, of course, she has been told awful things by the medical community. She will have to be so strong in the next four months, because people will be mean and say awful things. They need to really have faith in themselves, and I think they do. She is this wonderful person, and I am so glad that she came to us.

Tess is getting older, 14 months already, but not walking yet. Why? Why can't she just walk like every other kid her age? Why is she waiting? I know that she is talking a lot, but I'm tired of hearing "early talker, late walker." Can people just stop judging me and my kids?

We colored Easter eggs today and Owen was so excited about it. I'm so glad because I didn't know if he would understand it, and I don't know if he knows why we were doing it, but he was laughing and clapping and just having a ball...until he spilled the orange color all over the table and I got mad. Tess was having fun with it, too, but she got upset when she couldn't taste the colors. I feel like such a mean mom for getting mad at Owen for spilling the water. I mean, he's only three, how can I expect him to really understand not spilling something that he is clearly excited about and having so much fun with?

Sometimes I really do believe Erik is the better parent...