I Don't Know What to Write

I really don't know where to start...I haven't been keeping up with writing at all, and I feel as if so many things have already happened that it's too late to talk about them. I really can't seem to stop things from happening and being able to mark their passing. Every day just seems to get busier and busier. Maybe it's because we still have workers in the house, and when I am home, it seems as if I am never alone. Even if the kids are playing, or watching TV, there are still other people around. It's only nights like tonight, when the kids are asleep and Erik's out, that I can think about where my life is at.

I left on Friday of last week and went up to Santa Barbara for the film festival; just by myself, for one night. It was a nice trip. I felt as if I was able to shed all my responsiblities for one day, and just go see movies, and shop and eat alone (room service, and my own bed, what a night!). I found myself very comtemplative while I was there. I thought about college, and life in Michigan, and Owen's diagnosis, and trying to get pregnant with Tess. It's as if I had this great space of time, and I wanted to soak in the past. I wanted to just let my mind wander through my life, and run away with thoughts. I found myself thinking about twists and turns in my past, and how all the decisions I had made -- some good, some bad -- had led me to this moment, to this life, to two kids and a husband and a house in Los Angeles. I found myself renewing my promise to remember my dreams, and perhaps try to restart them. I thought about friends, old and new, and who I am now compared to who my friends are. It was so important, this soul-searching, because I felt as if I was re-energizing myself, as if I was renewing my life batteries. I needed those days, to remember who I was, without two kids hanging on to me and food slopped down my sleeve. I know that one day my kids will be grown, and they will not need me as much as they do now (yes, even Owen), and when that day comes, I'm going to need to rely on me, on my dreams, on my life before children, to get me through that time. Because it will be sad, but it is a part of life.

So, another soapbox. I just saw "An Inconvient Truth" at the Santa Barbara Film Festival, and was lucky enough to hear Al Gore speak after the film (along with the director, Davis Guggenheim, who by the way, is married to actress Elizabeth Shue, and they recently had a surprise baby...I think she's 42). The film is just plain scary. I watched with my mouth open, and felt so uncomfortable to see what we have made of our world. And as I sat there, I thought of all the carbon spewing out every moment, every day, everywhere. It feels as if this global warming is unstoppable, because we have not addressed it, and our joke-of-a-government still refuses to acknowledge it. But it is real, and scary. I remember how hot it was last summer and it almost made me physically ill. But from what everything points to, it will only get worse. We will become condemned to our homes because the weather will be too hot to bear, the water will be scarce and natural disasters will become more regular occurrences. What kind of a world did I bring my sweet gentle souls into? One that is so dirty, and foul, and messed up??

So, to counter my own carbon footprint, I made my husband put in those energy saving lightbulbs, we have energy star appliances, a tankless water heater, insulation in the house including under the floor, and every day I walk my daughter to the store so I can pick up anything I might need. And, I drive a Mini-cooper (okay, so maybe it's not a hybrid, but it's not a gas guzzler, either).

Please, everyone (all two of you left reading my blog), please think about what you are doing to the environment and make a change. Even if it's just one tiny little change. My grandchildren (if there is any world left), will thank you.