Finally, the heat is starting to dissipate. It was in the hundreds over the holiday weekend, and I was miserable. I couldn’t stand it. It didn’t last very long, only a week, but it was brutal. This morning, at last, the fog rolled in again. I think it’s because I’m pregnant and my body is already hot that I have such a hard time with the heat. I also feel as if I am very cranky these days. I don’t know if it’s because this time around food doesn’t taste the same (neither does the few sips of wine I've had), and it’s all I can do to keep my energy up and fit in a workout now and then. I know that this will be over sooner than I think, and then having three kids will be even harder to find the time, but for now, I must learn to take it day by day. I don’t want to stress out.
I had a dream last night that I was in surgery having the baby and they told me the baby had Down syndrome. I can only remember asking, are you sure?, before drifting off again. I hope it’s only my imagination playing tricks on me and that it’s not my body telling me something. I hope that God gives me another typical child, because I really don’t know if I have the strength for another child with special needs. I want Owen and Tess to have the best life, and another special needs child would only complicate things.
I almost blew my top yesterday when we were at the beach house. I really, truly almost told his mom to “F*** Off” at the end of the day. First of all, I get so sick of their stupid poker game. They start in the afternoon and they can’t even be bothered to do anything else but play. God forbid anyone interrupt their game! Then, after they reluctantly quit playing because we had to get dinner on the table, the started up again after dinner. Now, it’s already 7 o’clock, Tess has been running a fever for the last four days and she’s tired and miserable, and Owen started pouring water all over himself (I get so mad when he does that…he has such a thing for pouring out any kind of liquid, although, if I think about it, it’s only because Tess has been into that). So I got mad at Owen, and told Erik, “Let’s get out of here, I’ve had enough.” His mother finally gets up from the table and decides to pay attention to Owen for two minutes (she hasn’t bothered to pay attention to him all day), and says “let’s change you” as she follows me into the house. I was heading to the bathroom and I said, "I didn’t bring a change of clothes." She said, “well, that’s what you’re supposed to do,” and I retorted, “Yea, well, when your son doesn’t help pack the clothes, and I am the only one doing the work, I’m bound to forget something.” As I closed the door I heard her say, in a sing-song voice, “well, then maybe you shouldn’t be having any more kids.” I swear I wanted to just punch her. She’s the most bitter old lady I know. She’s the only one I know who can’t appreciate that she has grandchildren. I was so furious that I started gathering everything and heading to the car. Erik knew I was mad. He quickly settled up with the poker game and we packed up. His dad could tell I was mad, too. I just have no patience for her anymore, and I hope to God this baby is healthy and happy so that she doesn’t have one more reason to get to say “I told you so.” But the fury passed.
It's time like these that I miss my family. I miss my mom and my sisters, who are so accepting. I miss that they are not around to see my kids grow up and we only get to see them once a year or so...