Saturday, December 23, 2006

It's Christmas Time

I’m home alone right now, in the new house, and it seems so nice to have some time to myself. I got a chance to work out, which I feel as if I haven’t done in ages, and have a minute to write. I feel so out of sorts these past few days, and feel as if something is wrong with me. Maybe it’s just mental, maybe it’s because of the holidays, maybe it’s because of the move. Both Erik and I stressed out so much over this move, Erik got a bad case of the hives, and I had a major panic attack the other night, complete with chest pains. I went into the doctor yesterday, just to be sure I was okay, and they did an EKG, which came back fine. But, I’m now worried about the other thing I went into the doctor for: my hands keep falling asleep. Now, I work out quite a bit, as well as walk, so it’s not like I sit in front of the TV all day. I move around, so it can’t be a circulation problem. It’s been getting so bad that I wake up all night long because of it. It’s been going on for at least six months, and I thought it was because I was bringing Tess into bed with me and she was sleeping in my arm, thereby it would fall asleep. But it seems to happen during the day too, when I am holding things for any length of time. For instance, when I hold my cell phone to my ear with the same hand for too long, or when I hold the stroller with both hands for a long walk, or when I lift weights. I don’t know what it could be, but the doctor seems to think there is nerve damage somewhere. She said the worst case scenario could be MS, which of course, made me totally freak out. But I can’t let it get to me. I am going to see a neurologist in a few weeks, who hopefully, will be able to tell me it’s just carpal tunnel syndrome. I really am a hypochondriac almost all the time, but this time, this has been going on too long. I usually give myself the two-week rule, and if it’s gone in two weeks, then it wasn’t really anything. But this, this has been for quite some time. I thought it was because of being pregnant, and then having surgery again (my second C-section), and my body hasn’t feel quite the same since. Of course, I am three years older than when I had Owen, so my body has aged.

I just want to be happy again. I want to go back to the time when I was living in my old house on Bennett, I was pregnant with Tess, and Owen was 2 years old. He was so cute and little (and didn't throw temper tantrums), and I could still be in my imaginary world where everything was good and people were nice. I felt good, I was happy. Now, we are in a different house, which I know it will take time to get used to, and Owen is older and Tess is almost a year old already. It’s as if time has sped up and I’m not even being given a chance to enjoy it. What is it about being pregnant that makes me relish the time; makes me able to slow down for a little while more than I normally would? I have that sense again, that something bad is going to happen, to me or my family. I just can’t shake it, and I wonder if part of it is because I recently stopped breast feeding Tess (not because I wanted to, but because she refused to feed from me). I have that feeling again of not being in control of my life, as if it is spinning out of control and I can’t stop what’s going to happen. I think it’s got to be just the hormones that are leaving my body.

So in two days it’s Christmas. I can’t find the stockings that I have for Erik and the kids, so I suppose we’ll have to do without this year. We did get some presents for the kids, Owen is getting a child’s guitar (he loves to pretend he is playing the guitar), and Tess is getting a little bike that she can sit on and move with her feet on the floor. I haven’t gotten Erik anything yet, and of course I still have to shop for food for Christmas dinner. I know I should appreciate the holidays a little more now, especially with my kids being young, but I feel as if I haven’t had any time to bake cookies, or make soups or stews, and I haven’t had a chance to really relax and enjoy the warmth of the holiday spirit. It really is one of the hardest times to move into a new house, especially one that isn’t finished. I can barely find my clothes, let alone my recipes and my bakeware. I suppose it will be different next year, and we will have settled in by then. Perhaps even having Christmas dinner here in a few days will christen the house, imprinting our home with laughter and cheer.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a similar problem with my hands falling asleep. I even get a tingling or numbing feeling in my hands or finger tips. I did not go to the doctors it just went away. We are just getting older and our bodies are reminding us. Hope this helps.
Sista Anne

6:32 AM  

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