Failure to Blog

Today is Wednesday, of that I am sure. It is also September. Other than that, the month will finish and the year will finish and soon Tess will be a year old and I will be wondering what happened to the time.

Today, at work, we had a group in who was interested in some historical items. We also have a theatre, so we showed some 70mm films that we have, including one reel of "Ben Hur," that was restored. We also showed "A Year Along the Abandoned Road," a 70mm film, 15 minutes long, which was shot in time-lapse. It shows a summer town in Norway that is typically abandoned during the winter, because it is so far north and too cold. The whole film shows the passage of time in time-lapse, so the summer people are shown in fast motion. You see the heavy, snow-filled winter, then it passes into spring, then the summer people come, and then the winter comes again: barren, cold, lonely. Every time I see this film, I feel sad. Sad because it is about the passage of time and the inability to slow it down. It shows how nature continues to cycle in it's seasons, but we as people are secondary, because we are just a few moments in the overall picture. The summer people came and went, and their laughter echoed for only a moment or two before nature resumed it's pattern.

I wonder how long before I am looking at my grown children and wondering where the time went. I think of how I would like to be pregnant one more time, but am not sure that nature has not passed me by already. I will be 40 next May, and I am still breastfeeding Tess so I have not gotten my period again yet. And if I continue to feed her, I won't get it until I am absolutely done breastfeeding. And I love breastfeeding (yes, I am one of those women...). So therein lies the dilemma. I'm not getting any younger, but I also don't want to wean Tess just to try to get pregnant again quickly. What would I do if I got pregnant again right away, anyway? Wouldn't that be pushing the age difference a little bit? I would hate for Tess to get stuck being a middle child who got overlooked because we had another child right away.

So it goes. We leave for Michigan next week, and I'm so excited to see my family. I haven't seen them since last August, when I was four months pregnant. I've seen a couple of my brothers and sisters, but not all of them (I have 5 brothers and 3 sisters, and numerous nieces and nephews). We are having Tess christened when we go home, by our family priest. We did the same for Owen two years ago and it was a beautiful ceremony. We held it at my sister's house, where we will have it again. I'm a little (no a lot) nervous about flying, though. I haven't flown in over a year, and I'm pretty much a white-knuckle flyer now. I can't help it, there is too much going on in the world for me not to be scared. But at least I will be with my family, and I will get to be with my sisters, who I have missed so much!

By the way, Tess got her first (and second) tooth! Both bottom teeth came in at the same time, and she didn't have any problems. She had no fever, no rash, and wasn't fussy. Although, she is trying to bite me a little bit. Owen got his first tooth at 10 months, and it wasn't the bottom front tooth, it was off to the side. I suppose the Down Syndrome kicked in, because they say their teeth are always late and irregular, although Owen has pretty nice teeth, for his first set.

Have a great week everyone, signing off...

Failure to Blog

Today is Wednesday, of that I am sure. It is also September. Other than that, the month will finish and the year will finish and soon Tess will be a year old and I will be wondering what happened to the time.

Today, at work, we had a group in who was interested in some historical items. We also have a theatre, so we showed some 70mm films that we have, including one reel of "Ben Hur," that was restored. We also showed "A Year Along the Abandoned Road," a 70mm film, 15 minutes long, which was shot in time-lapse. It shows a summer town in Norway that is typically abandoned during the winter, because it is so far north and too cold. The whole film shows the passage of time in time-lapse, so the summer people are shown in fast motion. You see the heavy, snow-filled winter, then it passes into spring, then the summer people come, and then the winter comes again: barren, cold, lonely. Every time I see this film, I feel sad. Sad because it is about the passage of time and the inability to slow it down. It shows how nature continues to cycle in it's seasons, but we as people are secondary, because we are just a few moments in the overall picture. The summer people came and went, and their laughter echoed for only a moment or two before nature resumed it's pattern.

I wonder how long before I am looking at my grown children and wondering where the time went. I think of how I would like to be pregnant one more time, but am not sure that nature has not passed me by already. I will be 40 next May, and I am still breastfeeding Tess so I have not gotten my period again yet. And if I continue to feed her, I won't get it until I am absolutely done breastfeeding. And I love breastfeeding (yes, I am one of those women...). So therein lies the dilemma. I'm not getting any younger, but I also don't want to wean Tess just to try to get pregnant again quickly. What would I do if I got pregnant again right away, anyway? Wouldn't that be pushing the age difference a little bit? I would hate for Tess to get stuck being a middle child who got overlooked because we had another child right away.

So it goes. We leave for Michigan next week, and I'm so excited to see my family. I haven't seen them since last August, when I was four months pregnant. I've seen a couple of my brothers and sisters, but not all of them (I have 5 brothers and 3 sisters, and numerous nieces and nephews). We are having Tess christened when we go home, by our family priest. We did the same for Owen two years ago and it was a beautiful ceremony. We held it at my sister's house, where we will have it again. I'm a little (no a lot) nervous about flying, though. I haven't flown in over a year, and I'm pretty much a white-knuckle flyer now. I can't help it, there is too much going on in the world for me not to be scared. But at least I will be with my family, and I will get to be with my sisters, who I have missed so much!

By the way, Tess got her first (and second) tooth! Both bottom teeth came in at the same time, and she didn't have any problems. She had no fever, no rash, and wasn't fussy. Although, she is trying to bite me a little bit. Owen got his first tooth at 10 months, and it wasn't the bottom front tooth, it was off to the side. I suppose the Down Syndrome kicked in, because they say their teeth are always late and irregular, although Owen has pretty nice teeth, for his first set.

Have a great week everyone, signing off...

Life Has Been Busy

It's been crazy for me lately; obviously, since I haven't posted since Sept. 11th, and it's now Sept. 20...I think. See, I don't even know what day it is anymore! I had to go to the Big Bear Film Festival this past weekend, so Erik drove up with the kids on Saturday. I got to spend Friday night at the events, and was there for the Awards: Vilmos Zsigmond, ASC, the cinematographer who shot such great films as "Deliverance," "McCabe and Mrs. Miller," "Close Encounters..." and most recently, "The Black Dahlia" was getting an award. Also, the director Martha Coolidge was there. It's so nice to go to these small film festivals, because the filmmakers get to hang out with more notable filmmakers. Martha Coolidge was just hanging out, watching films.

On Saturday, though, it was family day. We took the kids to this little zoo they have up there, right at the base of the ski lift. It was great. The animals are all injured in some way, but the exhibits are very natural, and they are very close, so you can actually see the animals. They had wolves, bears, coyotes, leopards, foxes, bobcats, owls, all kinds of birds, and other wildlife. I liked it much better than the LA zoo, because the animals are so far away you can barely see them. And for Owen, it's much harder to see them since he doesn't know what he's looking for.

Then, Sunday morning, Owen fell down the stairs and scared the living daylights out of me and Erik. See, we were staying in this two story condo, and they had the living space upstairs, so there was a door at the top of the stairs. Owen snuck behind Erik and started going up the stairs, which he has been feeling pretty confident about lately, and no sooner did I say to Erik to go get him than he tried to open the door, lost his balance and fell down the stairs. I actually didn't feel like he was really hurt, and for the first ten minutes it didn't register that my son had just fallen down the stairs. They were heavily carpeted, but still. He cried for a few minutes, and then he seemed okay, but we watched him closely all day. He didn't get tired, he didn't sleep, his vision seemed normal. We looked for all the signs. Erik felt bad about it all day. I had mentioned to him that the thing that scared me the most is that he could have broken his neck and been paralyzed (that's me, always thinking the worst), and that stuck with Erik. See, he has been trying to allow Owen some freedom, to explore and learn how to do things. But I told him, we have to accept that our child is not like other 3 yea-olds. He has Down Syndrome; he will not be able to climb the stairs for a long time and we must respect his limitations. We both want him to be like other kids, I know that. But when it comes to safety, I am always so cautious with him because I know that he cannot do things like other kids his age. I told Erik that maybe I should call the pediatrician and he said, "why? He seems fine. They are just going to make you bring him in so they don't get sued by telling you what to watch for and not seeing him." But then I said, "but what if I don't bring him in, and weeks later something happens? What if they send social services to our house and take our daughter, thinking we abused our child? I mean, look at what happened to Britney Spears." Of course, I never did call, because he really has seemed fine.

So, things have been crazy busy, and I can't seem to get things done. It's one thing after another, if it's not work, it's life stuff. Tomorrow we meet with the regional center and our new coordinator. I'm going to see about getting a behaviouralist for Owen. And, I'm going to ask about respite again. It seems that everyone else is getting it, but not us. One of my friends with a child with Down Syndrome said, "Suzanne, you got to stop being so together. I mean, really, they will never give you services if you are doing so well." I laughed at the time, but I am having my moments. Moments when I feel like I will lose it if I don't get away and breathe. In fact, my moments are coming my frequently, when I really just wish I could find one hour to myself each day. Just one hour to go for a walk, or write, or just sit and do nothing. Maybe in about ten years I can have that??

Thoughts on 9/11

I know that today we are all thinking of 9/11 and our lives since then. I have been. I have only been able to think of the last five years and how 9/11 has defined our lives. I remember after it happened telling my mom that I didn't want to have children, that the world was so horrible, why bring children into it? And, of course, the next year, we got pregnant with Owen. But we got pregnant with a child who only knows love, who, despite his inability to be good at the same things as every other child, has a special gift for giving love. I watched him today as he walked over to Erik's dad and gave him a hug. His grandfather hugged him, and I heard him say, "I love you very, very, very, very much. You are so special." This is from a man who has never hugged his son in the 12 years that I have known him. But our little boy is able to bridge that gap, to bring out aspects in people they forgot they had.

We lit a candle tonight, my husband and I, and sat on our porch, with a glass of wine. "May they all be partying in heaven," I said, as we toasted. And I meant it. May they have gone to a better place, those people who began their lives the same way we all did that day, not knowing that it would be their last. I cried when I watched the news, people talking about their loved ones who they still miss, five years later. People who will never forget the sounds and smells of that day, and people who will always remember the person who didn't come home that day.

I was supposed to fly to Amsterdam on September 12 that year. I had an uneasy feeling about my trip, and I coudn't quite shake it. My brother called me from Michigan that morning, yelling into the phone to my husband, saying "my sister's not on a plane, is she? She's not on a plane??" Erik wasn't sure why he was so upset, but we hadn't turned on the TV yet, and it was still early, about 8 a.m. LA time. When I got on the phone with him, he filled me in on what was going on, but I realized what an easy mistake it was to make. I had told my family I was traveling to Amsterdam, and of course, you never really pay attention to the dates, until something like this happens. I was glad that my trip was cancelled. I had no desire to go anywhere, not even to Michigan. I just wanted to stay put.

Are we any better off? I don't feel safer. I feel as if the world is more unsafe today than it was then. I feel as if our country is being run by someone who could care less about anyone else but himself. But I don't want to talk about stupid people. Bush doesn't deserve space on my blog. But I wonder why, with all the money and intelligence our country has, why we can't just get it right. Why we can't just secure our nation; instead, we're busy using our money to secure another nation....but I digress.

I just hope that there is a better future for my children. I hope that they can dream any dream they want, and be able to follow that dream, with a security and freedom that should be their birthright. I hope that's not too much to ask...

A Few Minutes to Myself

Finally, it's Friday afternoon, the baby is sleeping, and Erik took Owen to the park. How heavenly! A moment to hear myself think...

Things have been busy. First of all, I have to say that I am so glad we got tubes in Owen's ears. I have heard him saying words that he wouldn't say before, and the other day he even said "baby Tess." He has never said Tess, only "ess" when I asked him to repeat it. He definitely is hearing more of the world now. Also, he has had sleep issues for months now, where he would wake and come into our room, fall asleep, then wake again. This was really wearing on me and Erik. The baby was sleeping better than he was! Right after he got the tubes, I was reading a book on sleep issues, and it said that one of the first things you should have checked is the hearing, because if your child has fluid in the ears, it can make them uncomfortable enough to wake them up night after night. Sure enough, the last three nights, he has slept through the entire night for 11 hours. He wakes up bright and cheery eyed, and comes into our room then, but I feel so rested that I don't care. I am hoping that it really was the fluid in his ears. And, they say that when kids are more well-rested they perform better during the day. We even think his balance is better. He seems to be running around a lot more, and just more active in general.

Other than that, Tess is an angel. I really can't describe her any other way. She is so sweet and calm all the time. She might fuss a little bit when her diaper is dirty or she is tired, but usually she is just so sweet. When anyone pays her any attention, she just starts with this slow smile that grows into a big grin. Her eyes smile, too. She is so happy just to be here, I think. She loves Owen, too. She laughs when she sees him, and just follows him with her eyes. I hope that she will always adore him, because that is how a little sister should see her big brother.

She's been such a good sleeper, too. Lately, when she is tired, right after dinner, I put her down at 6:30 p.m., she talks to herself for a little bit, then she's out for the night, until 7 a.m. the next morning. Well, I do feed her right before I go to bed, but she doesn't really wake up, she just nurses and goes back to sleep. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to still be waking her up to nurse, but I really don't mind, and she sleeps all night, then. I wonder what age I'm supposed to stop doing that? Owen never went to bed before 10 p.m. when he was little, so I always nursed him before he slept.

So the comparisons have started already. I have a friend with a baby who is a week older than Tess, and the first thing my MIL says to me on Sunday is that the other baby is already crawling. "Is Tess doing anything yet?" she asks, which I just can barely contain myself because of course she knows that she is not, since she babysits for her once a week and only saw her the day before. But, it's starting, and as blissful as I was about Tess, all it does is make me start thinking, "Hmmm. Well, Tess is seven months old, why isn't she crawling yet? Is something wrong with her?" But I have to stop. I can't make myself crazy. I don't want her to grow up so fast. I feel as if she just came out of my belly, and I don't want to see her assert her independence quite yet. The mean thoughts have started coming, too. "Why can't my kid be first at something?" I think. I mean, with Owen, we knew he would be delayed, and as much as I don't want Tess to be rushed through babyhood, I hate having her compared to all the other kids. I'm sure I'm going to hear about someone else's baby getting their first tooth already, or saying words early, and I don't know why I care. Why can't I just be happy with my little girl? Why does everyone want to make me crazy??

I guess we are all competitive in some way or other, whether it's our job, or our children, or our looks. I just want to stop it, though. I gave up long ago trying to compete with others in the looks department, and my job is my job, and I have resigned myself to the fact that Owen will never be the fastest or smartest kid on the block. So why doesn't that make me feel any better??