Thoughts on 9/11

I know that today we are all thinking of 9/11 and our lives since then. I have been. I have only been able to think of the last five years and how 9/11 has defined our lives. I remember after it happened telling my mom that I didn't want to have children, that the world was so horrible, why bring children into it? And, of course, the next year, we got pregnant with Owen. But we got pregnant with a child who only knows love, who, despite his inability to be good at the same things as every other child, has a special gift for giving love. I watched him today as he walked over to Erik's dad and gave him a hug. His grandfather hugged him, and I heard him say, "I love you very, very, very, very much. You are so special." This is from a man who has never hugged his son in the 12 years that I have known him. But our little boy is able to bridge that gap, to bring out aspects in people they forgot they had.

We lit a candle tonight, my husband and I, and sat on our porch, with a glass of wine. "May they all be partying in heaven," I said, as we toasted. And I meant it. May they have gone to a better place, those people who began their lives the same way we all did that day, not knowing that it would be their last. I cried when I watched the news, people talking about their loved ones who they still miss, five years later. People who will never forget the sounds and smells of that day, and people who will always remember the person who didn't come home that day.

I was supposed to fly to Amsterdam on September 12 that year. I had an uneasy feeling about my trip, and I coudn't quite shake it. My brother called me from Michigan that morning, yelling into the phone to my husband, saying "my sister's not on a plane, is she? She's not on a plane??" Erik wasn't sure why he was so upset, but we hadn't turned on the TV yet, and it was still early, about 8 a.m. LA time. When I got on the phone with him, he filled me in on what was going on, but I realized what an easy mistake it was to make. I had told my family I was traveling to Amsterdam, and of course, you never really pay attention to the dates, until something like this happens. I was glad that my trip was cancelled. I had no desire to go anywhere, not even to Michigan. I just wanted to stay put.

Are we any better off? I don't feel safer. I feel as if the world is more unsafe today than it was then. I feel as if our country is being run by someone who could care less about anyone else but himself. But I don't want to talk about stupid people. Bush doesn't deserve space on my blog. But I wonder why, with all the money and intelligence our country has, why we can't just get it right. Why we can't just secure our nation; instead, we're busy using our money to secure another nation....but I digress.

I just hope that there is a better future for my children. I hope that they can dream any dream they want, and be able to follow that dream, with a security and freedom that should be their birthright. I hope that's not too much to ask...