Heavy Thoughts

August 15, 2006

The days seem to be flying by, and I can’t stop them. I can’t slow down the incessant march of time. I see Tess and Owen both growing up so fast, and I want another baby; not today, but someday. I feel as if I can’t put it to rest, not yet. Funny how I think of my parents and how they just kept having kids, one after the other, and they probably never stopped, I mean really stopped, and looked at us and marveled at us. I mean, here they had nine perfectly healthy, really robust kids, with very little medical problems. And yet, they probably didn’t get to spend much time appreciating the day to day miracles that human beings are. And especially babies. There is so much they are learning so fast. I didn’t see it in Owen as much as I am seeing it in Tess. There is no plateau with her. She is just progressing. And I love them both so much, but I am so much more fascinated by Tess. Number one because she’s a girl, and number two, because she’s so normal. I hate to use that word, but with Owen, it’s true, he is special. And with Tess, she’s so normal that I love watching her progress. I have to admit that there is something about Owen that has always scared me; as if he I don’t quite accept him and he understands that. There is something about him that seems as if he knows too much, as if he knows what I am really thinking. Sometimes I think he knows that if I had my choice, I did not want a child with Down Syndrome, and that makes me feel naked, as if my thoughts are no longer safe. He makes me afraid that he will turn against me one day, that he will confront me with my inability to accept his disability. I feel sometimes as if he is really sent by God, an angel if you will, to test me, to see if I can really hold up and handle it all. I love him so much, and sometimes I don’t think he accepts that. I think he really accepts Erik because he know Erik loves him regardless. And I envy that. I envy the ease between the two of them. A few months ago, I actually considered taking Tess home with me to Michigan and leaving Owen with Erik. Why didn’t I consider taking Owen home? Because I feel as if Tess is more okay with me, as if I haven’t hurt her yet. When I walk into the room, she lights up. When I leave the room, she gets upset. She wants to be with me. Owen never did, and that makes me sad. He always wanted to be with Erik, and I always thought that they had a better connection that we did. Was it because Erik stayed home with Owen, and I am home more with Tess? I don’t know. I just know that I can handle Tess, and there are days that I see Owen as a foreigner, that I can’t get through to him, that even though my body grew him, he is of another world, and not mine. I don’t own him.

I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately; and partially because I have been having my weird panic attacks. I am afraid to go anywhere, or to let Erik go, because I am afraid someone is going to die. I even lately have been afraid to be alone with the kids because I think maybe I will have a stroke or a heart attack and what will happen then? Will Owen sit by himself in the house, and will Tess be there as well? Will she fall over and not be able to get up and will Owen try to help her and hurt her? Will no one know that something is wrong for a long time? I think about how Owen doesn’t have the wherewithal to call someone, or to act. Will he ever learn? I know he is only three, but I hear these stories about kids who are two and call 911, or they unlock the door and go for help. Can I ever expect that from Owen?

I think about death, and I think about sudden death. I think about what will happen when my parents die, and when Erik’s parents die, because it will happen. But what if one of us die? Or what if one of our siblings die? Or our children? Someone who is not expected to die? What then? How do we handle it? How do we handle the curse of life: that death will happen but we do not know when. I get so scared thinking of myself, and Erik and my kids, then I include my family, and it makes me sad already. But I know that I must continue to live every day as I would, or there would be no point.