Wednesday, July 06, 2005

I feel like something's wrong...

Yesterday, I felt different, like something was off. I wasn't that tired, and by the time I got home last night, I had enough energy to bake some banana bread. That started to worry me, as usually I've been so incredibly tired every day from this pregnancy. Then, even at 8 o'clock last night, I still wasn't that hungry, and usually I'm famished. I started thinking that maybe something was wrong.

I got up in the middle of the night with Owen, and after I fell back asleep, I had this horrible dream. First I dreampt I was in my doctor's office and we were all celebrating because we were able to hear the heartbeat on a doppler machine at only nine weeks. We were having a party, and my doctor gave me a hug and cogratulations. Then he went to sleep in the back of his office. The next scene in my dream, I am in Michigan with my family and I have begun spotting, then bleeding, then it has turned into a full miscarriage. My family is trying to tell me it's okay and I screamed, "Leave me alone! All of you had fucking perfect pregnancies. You don't know anything!" Then I felt a horrible cramp and sank to the floor.

I woke myself up, because I was so frightened by the dream. The thing that scares me is that I had a dream about having a miscarriage just before I had my real miscarraige. So, how do I know what it is? Is is intuition? Does reality breed imagination or does imagination breed reality? Am I just being paranoid because I am at the same point in my last pregnancy when I found out it wasn't going to work? How much can I rely on the fact that there was a heartbeat two weeks ago?

Today, I don't feel pregnant. I keep waiting for the nausea to return, but there is none. I am not tired, and when I got in the shower, usually my nipples are very sensitive to the water and today they were not. I don't know how I'm going to get through whatever is coming. Can I create my own reality? Or is it set in stone?

4 Comments:

Blogger Sweet Coalminer said...

If it's any comfort to you, I've had several very realistic, bloody dreams about m/c, even to the extent I check out the fetus. Lots of blood in the toilet dreams. Very disturbing and scary. But baby's kicking right now.

3:30 PM  
Blogger vixanne wigg said...

Well, you know I've had numerous times when I've felt this way. I've also had bad dreams. I know that someone really do have those "feelings" and something is wrong, but some people also have those "feelings" and nothing is wrong. Will you be renting a doppler if all is well? I have to say that it has helped me immensely with my panicked feelings. Perhaps you could call the doctor tomorrow just for some reassurance?

7:32 PM  
Blogger MB said...

Please let us know soon that you are doing alright...

11:45 AM  
Blogger zannetastic said...

Thanks, all, for your comforting words. Dreams scare me because they are so real, and sometimes I feel as if I am reliving a dream later in my life...I know that sounds weird...

Suzanne

7:31 PM  

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