Friday, July 01, 2005

Relieved (for now)

I had the appointment yesterday, which I'm not sure if it went well or not. First of all, the radiologist who did the exam was in and out of the room in about 30 seconds, and was quite abrupt. She asked me to show her where the lump was, then pointed out that my doctor noted it was further up on my breast (I told her that I've never felt it laying down on my side in the position I was in now, so maybe when I stand up it is further up on my breast). I was a little annoyed because I felt like she could have been a little nicer. I really felt like I was taking up her precious time, as she quickly scanned my breast with the ultrasound machine and told me she didn't see anything. I asked her if that meant that I didn't have to worry about a mass that shouldn't be there, and she said, "Well, you're pregnant so we can't do a mammogram, and the ultrasound isn't 100% accurate." There was no reassuring words, no comfort, just "I can't see anything." I asked her what I do now, and she said, "have your doctor keep an eye on it."

I am almost tempted to get a second opinion, but then, am I looking for something that isn't there? It is tender in one spot, and my doctor did feel something as well, but I've also been told that this happens to some people when they are pregnant because of the extra surge of hormones.

I guess I do feel better that it's not some cancerous tumor that is going to interfere with this pregnancy. I am now feeling a little more optimistic. I feel as if I can at last breathe a little bit, and maybe enjoy it. Then, as quickly as the positiveness was there, it was gone. A little niggling doubt started to creep into my mind: What if this child has Down Syndrome too? Or worse? It's my demon thoughts. They have begun to rear their ugly heads again. I try to keep them at bay, but they catch me when I least expect them. I must think of some alternative ways of silencing them.

So tired. I wish I could sleep all day. I've been pretty naseous this time around too. So unlike the last two pregnancies. I've actually lost a few pounds, so I still fit in my clothes, which is a good thing, since we are not going to tell his parents until we are closer to 12 weeks. Last time I was pregnant, his mom was not happy with the news at all (I think she thinks that if you can't have perfect children, why have them at all?), and made some comment after the miscarriage that she never had a good feeling about the baby at all. So I don't need any bad vibes coming from her. She'll just have to be surprised, won't that be lovely?


Post a Comment

<< Home