Maybe I'm in Denial

My husband thinks I am in denial. Okay, so I stopped spotting and I am still pregnant, and this morning, my temperature went up much higher than it's ever been. I've been thinking this past week that this isn't really going to work out, and have pretty much put it out of my mind...except I did pass on that glass of wine, and even though I really did want sushi, I opted for Italian. The other night we were lying in bed reading my favorite mind candy, rag magazines, only this is a new one, Life and Style Magazine. Of course I bought it, how could I resist when it said "Demi pregnant at 42" in the corner? Besides Demi, there was an item about Courteney Cox possibly being pregnant again. I said to my husband, "See? Even those people who couldn't get pregnant again unassisted are pregnant again before me. I'm sure Brooke Shields is working on it too..." "Um, excuse me, but you are pregnant again," he said.

I guess I am in denial. But I don't want to get excited about anything until I'm about 30 weeks along. At this point, I am only five weeks, and that is only because I got a BFP two days before my period was due. I almost think I should take another test just to check that I am. For now, I decided that I was just going to wait it out until the end of the month, which would make it eight weeks, because what's the point of going in to the doctor's office if they can't do anything anyway? And why get an ultrasound if they can't even see a heartbeat yet? The last time I had a miscarriage, my doctor kept telling me my dates must be off and it's still too early to see a hearbeat. But I knew exactly when I was ovulating, so there was nothing wrong about my dates. I thought the ultrasound machine was wrong. Boy, was I in denial about that, too.

Friday night we played our softball game, and my husband mentioned that he would put me in a "safe" position, so he stuck me in right field, which I didn't really mind because I got a little more exercise by running around. As I was out in the field, I started thinking that right now, at this moment, there are chromosomes inside me that are multiplying, and whatever the genetic makeup is, it is set. There is nothing I can do even if we were pregnant with another Down Syndrome child, or any other type of genetic makeup that is not the norm. I suppose it would be like lightning striking twice, but it has happened. It's so insane to think that the wheels are set in motion, and I suppose if it is not viable, we'll know that in a few weeks or so.

I ran into another woman I know this past weekend, one who is so self-righteous about everything. She was one of the first people to say, "well, why didn't you take the amnio?" when I told her that we were surprised by finding out our son had Down Syndrome two weeks after he was born. When I saw her this weekend (she has a 15 month old), I realized with a sickening stomach that she is pregnant again, probably about five or six months along. And it really pissed me off. It's as if she walks around with this smug, self-satisfied look, like she has everything at her fingertips. In a way, I sometimes wish she would be presented with the choice of a Down Syndrome child, because I wonder if she could really go through aborting her child, knowing how wonderful and loveable her first child is. I guess the reason that she pisses me off is because it's like she inferred I was wrong for not taking the amnio and following through the way she would have. But I suppose she will never have to face that choice because what would be the point of sending her a Down Syndrome child? She would just opt to delete...

I suppose the only satisfaction I could get out of the whole situation is that she looks fat, not pregnant, and it wasn't only me who thought that.