Monday, May 23, 2005

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my 38th birthday, and all I want to do is cry. I took my son to his Mommy and Me class today, and I watched as all the other kids zoomed around, intent on new things every second as if they were in warp speed, and Owen just wanted to sit there. I know that he is doing everything they are, he's just not a super energetic kid. But it makes me feel as if people look at me like "that poor mom, her kid just sits there." Today, I think he was tired, and a little overwhelmed because there were several dads who came to the class, and he has a hard time with men (this goes back to a bad experience with four male doctors squeezing his testicle before he had surgery for an undescended testicle...of course he's traumatized!). So, he just sat there, looking at the men and wanting to sit in my lap. Sometimes I feel like I should throw him in the middle of all the kids and walk away, let him fend for himself. But I know he's just sensitive, and the worst part of it all is that I just want him to do what the other kids are doing. But he's not like everyone else, and I suppose in a way I should be grateful, because who wants a kid just like everybody else's?

Then, to my horror, not only did the very pregnant mom show up with her 20 month old (yes, they will only be 22 months apart, and oh the disappointment when she found out she was having another girl!), but another one of the moms is positively glowing because she's pregnant again. She told everyone when she was seven weeks pregnant, and, of course, she's allowed to think it will come to full term, because her first one did. And, dejectedly, I think that it will probably will be fine, just like everybody else's baby seems to be.

What is it about birthdays and babies that make me want to cry? Why do I wish I could just be happy that I have a good life, a good husband and an awesome kid? Why do I just feel like my birthday marks yet another year that I am not going to be pregnant? I know there are some people, friends included, who started trying for kids at 38, got pregnant and now are thinking about their second one. I just wonder what went wrong between number one and number two for me. How did I go from being super fertile to not being fertile at all? I got pregnant twice, the first month we tried, and then wham, it all went away. Could it be mental? Could I be so absolutely, undeniably, hysterically afraid to get pregnant again that my body has been put into a semi-coma? Wake me up when it's over....


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