Monday, May 16, 2005

Rethinking the Baby thing

I left my doctor's office the other day with a bunch of paperwork for this test and that one, to be completed on certain days of the week or the cycle, with my husband's very own cup for his test. On the way home, I started thinking about why I was doing this. I mean, it's not like I'm going to go to any great lengths to get pregnant, so why all the testing (not to mention we have to pay out of pocket for anything related to infertility or the tests associated with it)? I never thought I'd be here. I mean, really, I never thought I would be paying a lab to tell me all about our bodily secretions and the rise and fall of my hormone levels. I just thought we would be able to have another child at 37, er, I mean, 38 years old. Everyone else is doing it, why can't we?

I suppose, control freak that I am, I would just like to know if we can get pregnant again. I have a friend who has a 2-year-old, then had two miscarriages back to back, beginning last summer, and just recently got pregnant again when she "just relaxed and let it happen." She's now 12 weeks pregnant and tra-la-la'ing her way through her life. I've been trying to just relax for nine months now, and nothing has happened, nothing.

But when I got home, I didn't really want to pursue it. I just thought maybe we should forget about it for a while. I mean, who wants to be pregnant in the summer, when the beer is cold and the nights are warm?

I've been watching my son, Owen, who turns two next month, turn into this incredible little human being. And I wonder if I want to wind myself up trying to pursue something that would take time away from him? I see so many people struggle and worry and wait, and it takes a toll on their family. Why can I not be satisfied with the way things are right now? One child is easy. Now, it's fun. He's at that perfect age where he's learning things so quickly, and of course, he just started walking, which for me was a huge milestone. I waited 10 months longer than most parents do for my son to walk. But he's there now, and mixing in quite well with the other kids his age. Sometimes, I almost even forget, for a second or two, that he has Down Syndrome. So why would I want to blow it right now? Maybe there is something to this relaxing. Having said that, I'm going upstairs to relax with a glass of wine and some absolutely orgasmic brie cheese. If I still smoked, I'd follow it with a cigarette, but I'm saving that for another lifetime.


Post a Comment

<< Home