The Big "I" Word

Yesterday, I went to visit my doctor, the one who tells me that there really is no reason I shouldn't be getting pregnant, and doesn't want to use the Infertility word yet because it's too soon. But I don't get it. My family breeds like rabbits: I have 8 brothers and sisters, my father was one of 12 (with 2 sets of twins) and I have 54 cousins. All my sisters and brothers have had to cautiously approach pregnancy because it happens so easily. This is just unheard of in my family, which is why I have begun to tell all concerned that we are not trying for a second child yet. But what I really want to say is, yes, we are trying, and of course it's not working because otherwise I would be shouting it to the rooftops that we are pregnant again. Duh!

It's been nine months since I had a miscarriage in August, and since then, nothing. My mom, the bearer of 9 children, had two miscarriages. She said it was at least two years before she got pregnant again each time (not that they were trying, obviously).

But I don't want to wait two years, I whined...

What pisses me off is that my brother and his wife are pregnant with their second, which they tried for when their first child was a year old, and now they are about to have another baby and I didn't. I hate how they tiptoe around me, too. "We didn't want to tell you until we were 12 weeks pregnant, because of...you know...what happened to you." Yeah, thanks for being so considerate, and might I add that I am secretly smiling every time my brother tells me how miserable she is during this pregnancy?

The thing is, you would think I would be terrified to have another child, since my first child was born with Down Syndrome. I was just 35 when I got pregnant, thinking I could be done with having my children by the time I was 40. Somehow, it all got mixed up. I thought the first would be fine and I would be taking a risk with the second. Actually, I really didn't think I had to worry about anything going wrong. But now, I see all these women getting pregnant well into their 40s, and I think that there has got to be some karmic fairness that is going to kick in one of these days for me. Besides, even if I had another Down Syndrome child, at least Owen (my son) would have a playmate. I couldn't stand for him to be an only child.

Which is why I went to see my doctor yesterday. I just want to find out why we are not getting pregnant again, and if we will get pregnant again. If we can't, I just want to know so I can start looking into adoption.

Maybe it's all mental. Maybe I should have been seeing the psychiatrist across the hall from my doctor instead.