Friday, May 20, 2005

Stop the jealous thoughts

I just heard that another friend of mine is pregnant, after going through two rounds of IVF. I am happy for her, but there is a part of me that just wants to cry because I want to be pregnant again. After my miscarriage, she said to me, but at least you're getting pregnant, I'm not. Now, if we were keeping score, she has a beautiful, typical child who is five years old. I have a Down Syndrome child. In the books, I am the one who deserves to have another child because my first child is broken. So I don't understand why it's been nine months and nothing is happening. I know she really wants this pregnancy to succeed, and I hope it does, but I just wish I could not be so jealous of other people. I wish I could just be happy with my life and where I am at. But then I think about the whole IVF thing and I can't help but think it's cheating. I mean, women who couldn't get pregnant are getting pregnant, and I am being the dutiful person and trying it the old-fashioned way. For what? So I can say that I didn't go to any extreme lengths to get pregnant? Why am I trying to be so ethical?

I suppose it all washes out in the end. I really am happy for her, and I hope she carries the baby to term, because too many babies haven't made it and I gotta believe they are all up there somewhere just waiting to fly in on a cloud and make a home in someone's belly.


Blogger PUK said...

During the 3 years I have been trying for a pregnancy I have felt that jealousy too many times to keep track off. And sadly some of the people have had miscarrieges as well. And it makes me feel horrible.
But I dont want to be ashamed of the jealousy. And I know I cannot make it go away.
So I try to focus my jealousy on people that I dont know well, celebreties who are married less than a year before announcing a pregnancy are my favourite targets...
And another thing - If my thoughts really had that kind of power I would have been pregnant a long time ago.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me ;)

Wish you and your family all the best.

11:25 PM  

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