Wednesday, June 01, 2005

The Jinx Has Clearly Set In...

This morning I woke up and was spotting. Of course, it's the one morning I got right out of bed and completely forgot about taking my temperature, which would have definitely indicated that this pregnancy was over if I had just remembered to take it. I'm sure that my temperature dropped this morning, and hence, the spotting. I've never gotten a positive on a pregnancy test two days before my period is due, and this time I did. I even showed it to Erik so that he could verify that even if I was pregnant for a day or two, there still was a second line. But now my hopes are dashed, because this is exactly how it happened three months ago when I think I had an early miscarriage. First the brown blood, then the full surge of everything falling away. They call it a missed miscarriage, isn't that an awful term? What is missing about it, besides the baby not staying long enough to adapt and grow and thrive? I mean, a miscarriage is a miscarriage no matter what way you look at it, and miscarriage itself is a horrid enough word.

But I suppose now I am in a different group of women: it's not that I'm not getting pregnant, I'm just not able to hold onto it. I thought I wasn't getting pregnant, which is a whole different scenario. Now, I guess I can rule out all the ovulation tests, and semen tests, and throw my hands up in the air because there isn't a doctor in the world who can make a pregnancy stick, they can only tell you why it doesn't. Isn't that comforting? I almost don't think I want to know why because what would that do to my current state of paranoia??


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