Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I'm Doing Everything Right, So?

Well, let's see, I've cut everything out that's bad for me, I've slowed way down in working out, and I'm taking a nap every day, even thought I really hate to nap! Thank God I only work part time now, or else I don't know how I would overcome that immense tiredness that hits me at about 3 p.m. every day. As for coffee, I now only have 1/2 a cup in the morning, and that I will not give up.

So, what's the problem? I'm feeling symptoms, I haven't had any more spotting yet, but I am terrifed to make an appointment and go see my doctor, because I can't bear to go in there and then if he doesn't see a heartbeat I will just have to wait for the end. I almost feeling like calling his office and telling them, "for the record, I am pregnant, right now, at this moment." But I feel like as soon as I call, it will be over.

So I don't quite know how to handle this mental state, and I feel as if everywhere I go, I am reminded by people that "you should have had your kids earlier, I don't know why you waited." I see it when I look at all the young girls who are pregnant, and I sense it when I talk to others. They all ask me how old I am, all of them. I want to tell them it's none of their business, but I'm always so taken aback when they ask that I can't quite muster anything to say. I guess I should just admit that it is all about age. Maybe I found a really great guy, but we happened to find each other later in life. Why should I be penalized for that? Should I have just slept with the first guy that came along at 25, got pregnant and been a single mom, struggling to survive? What is it about women who sit on their lofty perch because they found their dream man when they were only 18 and had their kids in their 20s? Then they go and write a book about how woman should plan for children, just like you plan for college. Give me a break. I certainly didn't plan to meet my husband when I was in my 30s, I was waiting for him to come along in my 20s. But life doesn't work like that, does it? I guess what frustrates me is that I wish those people who found it so easy would walk in our shoes for just one day, just one day, so they can feel our pain. But I suppose that's not how life works either. Too bad. I know a few people who I would love to stick in my shoes for a day and watch them wobble around, blinded by the reality of it all.


Blogger vixanne wigg said...

The women in my loss group are of varying ages. Some are definitely in their late thirties and a few in their forties, but just as many are in their twenties. I know that there are more risks as you get older, but there are really risks anytime. I did start dating my husband at 19, but it didn't seem to matter much for us! I've always assumed that generally older mothers are better educated and have better careers, which is a stereotype, but not a negative one. And an older mom has more emotional stability.

4:56 AM  
Blogger zannetastic said...

Roxanne, I so agree with your comment. There really are risks anytime at any age. It amazes me that you have come so far, after having suffered so much at 29! I feel as if I am a much better parent at 38 than I would have been in my 20s, but it amazes me the way people judge you for your decisions...

3:49 PM  

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