Sunday, January 22, 2006

Almost 38 weeks...

Today is Sunday, and I'll be 38 weeks on Tuesday. I feel so out of sorts today, and I finally told my husband to take Owen to the park so I could get things done. I have been preparing non-stop for both work and home. We have our first meeting tomorrow with the Los Angeles Unified School District to begin talking about placement for Owen in a preschool: a special needs preschool. It seems so weird to say it like that. I mean, 2-1/2 years ago, we had a baby, and for two weeks we thought he was healthy and fine. He is healthy and fine, but he has Down Syndrome, and after all this time, it sometimes still strikes me as odd that we talk about him having it, since he does seem pretty close to normal on a lot of things. Of course, speech is a big issue, since he talks and talks but we can't understand a word he's saying. I see other 1 and 2 year olds who talk a lot, but their words make sense. I don't know why he can't translate things into our language yet, although, of course, he has Down Syndrome, so he had language delays.

Anyway, I'm in this really blue funk, and I can't seem to get out of it. It's a beautiful day here in LA, not too warm, but the sun is shining and the air is a little crisp. I usually love days like this, but maybe I'm just getting a little sad that this time all alone with Owen is coming to an end soon. I guess I'm a little sad about the changes that are coming, which I know must happen, and I have been looking forward to meeting this child, but there is always a moroseness when change is imminent. I guess I've been trying so hard to make sure everything is in order before she comes, that this morning, I actually found myself at a loss as to what I wanted to do next. I couldn't concentrate, and I realized that I've been so busy making sure everything is taken care of that I haven't had a moment to myself to relax or do something I want to do. So, I made Erik leave the house with Owen so I could have some alone time. I know that alone time will be scarce once the new baby comes, so I'm trying to settle myself and put myself in a mental space that I can live with.

This is how anal I am: my doula told me that when I begin to feel labor pains, call her, and then make cookies. The process of making cookies will help me get through the first part of labor, while she has a chance to get to my house. I told her, "But I've eaten so many sweets, that I can't possibly make more cookies and have them in my house," and she laughed and said, "no, you are making them for the hospital staff and your doula, who will welcome fresh-baked cookies." "Oh," I said, seeing that that made sense (people always treat you better if you bring treats). Then, I realized that tomorrow is our meeting with the LAUSD, and people have told me to always bring something to eat, it helps how they think about you and deal with you. So now, it's on my to-do list, make cookies, since I always have to do things in advance. There is no way I am leaving making cookies to the last minute when I am in labor and don't know what I will be thinking or's that for being a total control freak? I will already have cookies made to take with me, but I will also try to make new cookies, if that's what I am supposed to do. Yikes! I think I am overthinking this whole 'having a baby' thing. Maybe I should just stop thinking about it. Yea, right.

Well, I'm off to do a little shopping, some browsing, nothing special. I just want to enjoy these last few minutes alone.


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