Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Out of Sorts

Today, for some reason, I'm really out of sorts with myself. Could it be that I hate all the maternity clothes in my closet? Could it be that I feel guilty buying more clothes that I will only wear for a few more months when we are trying to cover two mortgages while we build our dream home (which we can't really afford)? Could it be that I am just sick of going to work, even thought I only work part-time? Could it be that I feel like I will never finish any writing project because I write and I think it's terrible so I abandon the project?

I just hate these days when nothing seems to be right. I can't decide what to eat for lunch, so I wait until I am absolutely famished and then eat junk. I can't decide what project to attack at work, so I randomly go through magazines and try to concentrate. I think about this baby and wonder if she really is okay, or am I just being cocky again and something terrible is going to happen. I have to admit it, as much as I want to try to enjoy this pregnancy and be like everyone else, I can't. I look around me at all the babies being born, and all the articles stupid parents write about their cute/funny/beautiful/normal/typical kid, and it makes me so mad. Why can't they experience what I have gone through? Why can't someone else know what it's like to have tasted the bittersweet concoction of life? Why does it seem as if EVERYBODY is having a child who is just fine, fine, fine. I gathered together a group of six women for a support group night, and I looked around me and thought, "it's taken me two years to find these women, and there are only six of us?"

It's not that I don't love my adorable, amazing, potty-trained, sleeps-in-a-toddler-bed-already child, but I just have these fears and anxieties about him even having a normal life and not being treated like crap by all these other typical kids. We all know how cruel kids can be: now mix in a child who maybe doesn't learn things as fast, maybe has a few different facial features, and what do you get? Children who will tease him mercilessly. I know that all kids get teased, it's just that I have to worry a little more than other parents.

Okay, I'm just going off about insane things. I can't worry about the future, there's no point. We're not there yet. If I can just get through three more months of pregnancy and then the birth, maybe everything will turn out okay. I'm actually not stressed out right now, while I'm pregnant, because I know she's inside me and I'm taking care of her. It's when she leaves my womb and becomes her own single person that scares me. For now, I can protect her, and nourish her, and keep her safe. But after she's born? What then?


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