Saturday, October 29, 2005

Tuned Out, Timed Out

Okay, I have been dutifully chastized for not keeping up with this. I apologize to those few who are following my story for not having updated my blog. There are two reasons: 1.) I can't update it from work, which is where I used to do it (until they sent a company e-mail around saying they are watching us and please do it on our own time), and 2.) my e-mail connection at home has been sporadic at best, so much for all the hype about wireless connection!

But I have also found that lately, all I want to do is coast through my life. I am absolutely happy right where I am: with my 2 year old son who is doing phenomenal, and just enough pregnant with my second child, a girl. It's like I don't want this season to end. There is so much goodness about it, so much happy anticipation of things to come. I know that things change, but for right now it feels as if I more content with my life than I ever have been. And that is good.

I also sense the days rushing by me, faster than I want them to, because I know that our lives will be different when we have the second child. I'm actually more worried about how Owen will react. So far, up until this point, Owen has had the attention of both myself and Erik, and when the new baby comes it will change. There will be other changes as well. He will be starting a new school, a drop off class, and I'm not sure how he is going to handle it. But for now, every afternoon that I have the chance, I lay down with him to help him fall asleep and revel in the way he plays with my fingers until his eyes close and then his sweet breath grows even. I'm going to miss having so much time with Owen, and so many opportunities to slow down and enjoy the moment. I know that he will grow up as well, and soon he won't even need his naps, which is why I spoil him when I'm home. I'm sure there is some baby book somewhere that says I should just put him in his crib and make him take a nap.

I now have about 12 friends who are pregnant, and all due in the spring. I'm glad, though, that I am due at least two months ahead of them, because there is just something about the comparison game (that my MIL loves to play) that I can't stand. Especially since we obviously failed in the comparison game last time by having a child with Down Syndrome, and didn't get the typical everything-is-fine-go-home-and-be-exhausted-parents title.

On the other hand, one of my friends just had her second miscarriage, at 11 weeks. Her last miscarriage was at 14 weeks, and before that she had a typical child who is a month older than my son. Before that, she lost her first child at 9 months due to spina bifada and complications in the NICU. So, why is it always people who have had enough problems, that continue to have problems? All she wants is a second, healthy child. And now, she's having trouble carrying a baby to term. I don't understand it. And most of all, I don't understand why it can't be one of those people I know who are pregnant with their second and COMPLAINING about how they hate being pregnant and they just want to get it over with. Obviously, these are people who have never had a miscarriage and wouldn't understand what it means to deal with any fertility issues.

So life goes, and we continue, hoping and praying for some semblance of a good life. As my husband often tells me, we have a lot to be thankful for, and I am reminded of that every day when I look at my son and see how well he is doing. Other people might look at us and pity us because we have a child with Down Syndrome, but I know better. I got the sweet love child that other people are afraid they 'can't handle.'


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5:14 PM  
Blogger vixanne wigg said...

I'm glad that things are going well and that you're enjoying this time. (I was getting a little worried!)

8:00 AM  
Blogger Anam Cara said...

I've been thinking of you and I'm glad you posted. I'm really happy to hear that you are in a very good place at the moment. It is such a nice change when we can feel happy and at peace and really live in the moment and enjoy our little ones. So good for you! I am so sorry to hear about your friend. It breaks my heart to hear about others having way more than their share of suffering.

11:29 PM  

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