Reflections

I had such a wonderful day today. I took Owen and Tess to the zoo, and we walked around for about two hours. Owen was having such a good time being out and able to run around (well, his version of running). The rest of the day was just one that meandered, and I didn't want it to end. When my husband came home, he told me he was going to make dinner. He made this amazing dinner of steak and scallops. It was so divine. So I decided that we had to break out a really nice bottle of wine. I opened this bottle that he had given me for Christmas (we decided that we weren't going to spend money on gifts for each other for Christmas anymore because we really feel it's about the kids, and besides, we always donate to a charity), and it was amazing. See, both of us had bought each other a really nice bottle of red wine, and they both were sitting there. I decided there was no time like the present. It was a 1995 bottle of Italian wine that was good from start to finish. Each drop was like silk, and there was such a smooth finish.

Anyway, while we were having dinner in the dining room (and our son was watching The Wiggles for the 50th time...I know, we are such bad parents!), Erik asked me if I felt like I bonded easier with Tess than with Owen. I told him that I did, mainly because their births were so different. With Owen, he was whisked away to the NICU, and for two weeks I had to visit him there while he was hooked up to machines. With Tess, I was allowed to breastfeed her right after my surgery, and then she was in the room with me. And maybe because she didn't have a diagnosis, maybe because she was my second child and I was more prepared, and maybe because she was my daughter, I felt closer to her right away. I loved her instantly, and with Owen, it was a slower growing love. Not that I don't love him to death, and he is so special to me, but there were so many factors with him from the start: a birth resulting in C-section; in the NICU for two weeks and then the DS diagnosis. With Tess, she was okay from the start, and I was much more relaxed at being a mom. Plus, I had been trying for her for a lot longer than with Owen, and she followed a miscarriage loss. Why wouldn't I immediately love her when I felt like we had struggled much more to have her?

I think birth order definitely defines a child and defines how a parent perceives a child. She is my second, and most welcome. Owen was my first, and I was a little ambivalent about him, because we got pregnant right away and I didn't know what to expect. He just happened, and boy did he happen! So I think that circumstances change things.

Actually, I can't write anymore because I think I've had too much wine and I'm sleepy...