Nervous Nellie

So Owen was sick again the other night; this time, diarrhea all day, and then he totally threw up twice in the middle of the night. And, of course, we were showing our house on Sunday, so we had to spend all morning changing sheets and scrubbing the carpet in our bedroom. I feel so bad for him when he gets sick. I know what it's like to be sick, and it's horrible, I can't imagine what it's like for someone who doesn't understand what is happening.

On Sunday, Father's Day, we ended up going out to Malibu for Father's Day, but we missed brunch and didn't get out there until the afternoon. I could tell Owen was still feeling a little sick, but otherwise, he was fine. I have been so fixated on every little bruise on his body lately, wondering if something is wrong. I have noticed more and more how purple his eyes are, especially the bags under his eyes. I look at Tess and she is the picture of health, and I wonder why, if Owen has Down Syndrome, why couldn't God just leave it at that? Why do they have to be sicker, lower immune system, etc?

I have been feeling sick to my stomach all day long, every day, for the past two days (no, definitely not pregnant!), because I am so worried that Owen is sicker than we know. I have called my doctor's office to order the leukemia blood test, and the thyroid test, if only to put myself at ease (or really throw myself into a panic!). I can't help it. I feel as if Owen is so much more fragile than any other baby. When Tess gets sick, and she's already had four colds in her short five months life, I don't worry as much because she just seems stronger. I feel worse when Owen gets sick because it seems to take such a toll on his little body.

I don't want to live my days like this, but loving Owen so much scares me. I'm so scared that he will be taken away from, that he will get really sick and...I can't even write it, because I don't want to jinx myself. The only thing I can think that might be happening to me right now is that maybe I am going to get my period soon (which I haven't had yet since I was pregnant), because last time, when I was close I got really paranoid about everything. I hope this is just a phase, because I know it's not good for me to be so anxious all the time.

In the meantime, just as we get our house ready for sale, the market slows down, way down. Even though people love our house, we have not gotten an offer. But there was no way we could have sold is last summer because we didn't have anywhere else to go. We may end up staying here. I suppose things will happen the way they happen.